The NBA has a history of violence.
The Malice in the Palace, Shaquille O’Neal and Charles Barkley throwing hands at each other, Kevin McHale demolishing Kurt Rambis… the list goes on.
The league would rather you forget about these moments.
As time has gone on, the NBA has done its best to try to phase out fighting and physical confrontation from play with stiffer fines and discipline. But that bad blood between players hasn’t gone away.
Thus, we have the situation we see now, with players trying to take out their aggression on one another without actually doing anything. This includes: cryptic sub-tweets, shade in the form of Instagram likes, secret tunnel conspiracy theories and a whole lot of shoving— and immediately backing off.
But what if these varied NBA beefs could actually be settled in the way most of us would like to see?
The WWE Royal Rumble goes this Sunday so, using that as a launching point, we decided to take a representative from each of the 30 NBA teams and create our own hypothetical NBA battle royale.
https://www.instagram.com/p/Bea3EENBbW7/?hl=en&taken-by=sportsnet
To vote who, from the field below, you think would come out on top, simply have your say in the comment section below, or post your pick on social media using the hashtag #NBARumble.
This is the NBA Royal Rumble:
Competitors
Atlanta Hawks – Dennis Schroder
Don’t be fooled by that baby face, Schroder has a mean streak.
Boston Celtics – Kyrie Irving
He is the flat-Earth conspiracy theorist shade-master extraordinaire.
Brooklyn Nets – Quincy Acy
Based purely off his ferocious style of play, his physique, his penchant to yell while doing almost anything on the basketball court and his awesome beard we’re going to say Acy’s not someone most would want to mess with.
Charlotte Hornets – Dwight Howard
Every good wrestling promotion needs a good heel (a term for “bad guy”, for non-wrestling fans), and Howard fits the bill well— a giant with the perception among fans of being a bit of whiner.
Chicago Bulls – Robin Lopez
He took a swing at Serge Ibaka, has Sideshow Bob-esque hair and is seven feet tall.
Cleveland Cavaliers – LeBron James
How can you be a King if you can’t take up arms every now and then? James, as amazing a player as he may be, is a very polarizing figure within the league, including among his own peers, and there are a couple guys on this list who immediately come to mind as dudes who wouldn’t mind throwing him over the top rope.
Dallas Mavericks – Dirk Nowitzki
Nowitzki is basically the Undertaker of the NBA, a seemingly everlasting, forever-beloved giant with his own signature flair.
Denver Nuggets – Mason Plumlee
Every good Rumble has one or two jobbers, and the Plumlee clan fits the bill perfectly. So, here’s a Plumlee.
Detroit Pistons – Boban Marjanovic
Hey wrestling fans, do you remember The Great Khali? Well, Marjanovic is basically his NBA equivalent.
Golden State Warriors – Draymond Green
One of the NBA’s elite pests, Green is strong heel contender in this field.
Houston Rockets – Chris Paul
Another great classic heel type, opponents better be on the lookout for his trusty sidekicks Trevor Ariza and Clint Capela.
Indiana Pacers – Lance Stephenson
There’s a lot we could say here, but let’s leave it at this: He’s guaranteed to blow his competition away.
Los Angeles Clippers – Blake Griffin
Griffin isn’t taking the jabs his former tag-team partner Paul and the Rockets have been throwing his— and the Clippers’— way.
Los Angeles Lakers – Lonzo Ball
Coming out to the ring with his trusted manager LaVar Ball, Lonzo always has a target on his back because of LaVar’s outrageous ring-side antics.
Memphis Grizzlies – Marc Gasol
The Gasol brothers’ sibling rivalry extends beyond the hardwood.
Miami Heat – James Johnson
Buddy holds a second-degree black belt, did MMA when he was 18 with a 7-0 record and has a perfect 20-0 kickboxing record. Good luck everyone.
Milwaukee Bucks – Matthew Dellavedova
Sometimes in the Rumble you just need to have someone who’s there for the crowd to cheer for when he’s eliminated.
Minnesota Timberwolves – Andrew Wiggins
Wiggins is a good Ontario boy, to steal from Don Cherry, so that must mean he’s got natural fighting instincts, too, right?
New Orleans Pelicans – DeMarcus Cousins
Boogie’s the favourite to win this.
New York Knicks – Enes Kanter
Kanter’s been throwing non-stop shade at LeBron on social media. Let’s have Kanter and James start things off as the first two players to enter the ring, shall we?
Oklahoma City Thunder – Steven Adams
While Russell Westbrook would certainly be appealing here, he’s more nail while Adams is the hammer. A big man who plays right on the razor’s edge on the court, in the ring he’d be a dangerous foe to face.
Orlando Magic – Bismack Biyombo
We really want to see him look like he’s about to get knocked out, then save himself a la Shawn Michaels and do the Mutombo finger wag.
Philadelphia 76ers – Ben Simmons
The young man opened Pandora’s box a week ago against the Raptors, now it’s time to face those consequences.
Phoenix Suns – Dragan Bender
He’s no Ricky Steamboat, but the dragon gimmick can definitely still work.
Portland Trail Blazers – Damian Lillard
We all know Dame can spit bars, but can that mic work actually translate to the squared circle?
Sacramento Kings – Zach Randolph
At one point Randolph would’ve been the clear-cut favourite for this contest, but alas, Father Time is undefeated. The old fighting spirit remains, but at 36 he likely doesn’t have the stamina to last that long anymore.
San Antonio Spurs – Pau Gasol
As the older Gasol brother, it’s Pau’s job to eliminate Marc.
Toronto Raptors – Kyle Lowry
The Rey Mysterio of this Rumble, Simmons brought out the mean streak in Lowry and now the Bulldog of Bay Street has loosened his collar and is back on the hunt.
Utah Jazz – Rudy Gobert
His actual nickname, “The Steiffel Tower,” just works as a wrestling name.
Washington Wizards – John Wall
Wall is not one to be punked. Though he may not win this, he’ll be a tough out for sure.
The Winner
Chris Paul – The final three will come down to Paul, Griffin and Cousins. As former tag-team partners, Paul and Griffin use their old combination finisher “Lob City” to knock out the popular pick to win it all, Cousins. Then, with the two in the centre of the ring, Paul does something that shocks everyone: he extends his hand.
Griffin’s perplexed, he doesn’t know how to respond, but accepts the gesture. Paul then throws his hands up with Griffin’s, points to his former teammate and begins celebrating with him.
The pair walks around the ring, until they stop to face one side of the crowd, when, emerging from underneath the ring, Ariza and Capela attack Griffin and give Paul the opportunity to then toss him over the top.
The Rockets trio celebrate, and as Griffin is walking back up the ramp, the three men pull back the ring skirt and reveal underneath the ring, a mysterious hole in the ground: Paul’s secret tunnel.
Remember, to vote you think would come out on top have your say in the comment section below, or cast your vote on social media using the hashtag #NBARumble.
