BY STEPH ROGERS AND ANNE T. DONAHUE – FAN FUEL BLOGGERS
The Blue Jays took on (Buck Martinez’s favourite team) the Oakland ATHLETICS in the first of a quick two-game series in the Bay Area. The two teams meet at Oakland Almeda County Coliseum – O.Co for the cool kids, or those wanting the ‘real name’ – after taking the day off Monday. Presumably the Blue Jays visited Alcatraz and/or saw The Avengers which are really the only two choices if it’s a Monday. You can also walk up a lot of hills in San Francisco which is great for shin splints (you can trust Steph on this one).
Ricky Romero lasted six innings in the Tuesday midnight screening of a 7-3 loss, long enough to take the Blue Jays to 32 consecutive outings where starters worked five or more innings. Because this is Oakland, the Moneyball references run rampant.
Let’s talk dollars right out of the gate. If you live under a rock and haven’t heard about the Academy-Award nominated movie based on the real-life Oakland A’s of 2002 (or the book on which the entire premise of that season is based), the Oakland A’s don’t spend much money on baseball players.
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Basically, Oakland’s salary in 2012 is still only the low price of two Vernon Wellses, plus you can get all of the (cheap) current (younger) Jays like Joel Carreno, Kyle Drabek, Luis Perez, Eric Thames, Henderson Alvarez, and BRETT LAWRIE. Bonus! You still have enough money to buy a couple of super-value combos from McDonalds. Who’s laughing now, New York Yankees?
1. What was going on with that horn?
AD: Seriously, we witnessed the equivalent of whenever Bart and Lisa said “Darryl” during that Simpsons episode where Darryl Strawberry made an appearance. Also the equivalent of whenever my Dad and I used to watch figure skating when I was little and would amuse ourselves by shouting, “AHHH-BE-CAREFUL!!!!” whenever anybody was going to make a jump. (And then we would laugh when they’d fall because we are the worst.)
SR: I just can’t. Why is this happening? I do NOT remember there being an obnoxious horn in Moneyball, and if playing the Oakland A’s isn’t exactly like the movie – where dramatic music plays every time someone is at bat – I don’t even know why we’re here, other than for Ricky Romero’s change up or the magnitude of the younger Weeks brother’s hair.
AD: Too late: we find out it was Brett Lawrie blaring an airhorn in protest of nobody telling him where he could GET A TAN ALREADY. (This will only be funny if you follow him on Twitter, and even then, it’s not my best joke. But it might be his!)
SR: I want everything to turn into Anna Faris’ husband’s at-bat, when the A’s are trying to win their 20th consecutive game (AL RECORD WHAT!) despite giving up an 11-0 lead and there are moments where I actually can’t hear anything because it’s so intense. I’m talking about Scott Hatteberg, obviously. Didn’t anyone else brush up on their Moneyball before tonight? Am I alone?
AD: I watched it just in time to lose my Oscar pool and put Angelina’s right leg into proper context.
2. Kelly Johnson’s two-run opposite-field shot in the third surprises him
SR: Seven Jays fans cheered, 12 Oakland fans booed, and the other 29 people were completely indifferent.
AD: I think they thought they were attending a football game.
SR: This is the last place in America that major league baseball and NFL football are both played, now that the Marlins have a new, neon home in Miami. With 47 acres of foul territory, I still that you could actually play baseball and football at the same time in Oakland.
Kelly Johnson was surprised he hit a home run, as well as that Oakland ever thought that it was a good idea to build Mount Davis. Let’s just go right ahead and build one million bleacher seats that no one will ever sit in! Let’s cover them in tarp! Ahoy! (Blow the horn…!)
AD: “This is the stadium from Moneyball!!!!” – Kelly Johnson/Brad Pitt, still in the stadium, lost.
SR: They were probably in the bleachers! How do you get up there? Is there a crane for humans? Sidenote: Remember in the 90’s when everyone had Raiders windbreakers? I have so many questions.
AD: If you wanted to ask why I’m still wearing this Raiders windbreaker, you could have just gone for it.
SR: Next time.
3. The aesthetics of the Athletics, and the comedy of errors
SR: That grass is just so meticulously groomed, it almost makes me forget about Escobar sending that ball to Adam Lind by putting it on a small, unmanned airplane to commit the third error of the night. I guess it was more like a speedy Hindenburg.
AD: That grass also has the memory of a person with a terrific memory. Example: it holds the scars of Colby Rasmus’ diving catch gone awry, and the blood, sweat and tears of Suzuki after Jose accidentally hit him with his bat.
SR: I hate that Suzuki had to cry tears into that yellow jersey. I think the A’s could rock those yellow tops a lot harder if maybe the pants weren’t so white. I think I gave enough excellent suggestions in my retail job to warrant having an opinion about getting different pants. Pants for everyone!
AD: Do you think new pants would also make the 41 people currently chanting “USA! USA!” realize most of the Toronto Blue Jays aren’t even Canadian?
SR: The message in Moneyball was to ‘get on base’, and compliments of the Blue Jays, the A’s got on base. This is a rarity in itself because the A’s were 29th in OBP (.285) going into Tuesday’s game. They’re also dead last for batting average (.213) and second last in slugging (.334). No fluff, just facts. Similarly, the Blue Jays only had a .507 OPS last season at the ol’ O.Co (their second worst park in the league next to Turner Field)…USA! USA!
Those patterns in the grass are really something else. Zero errors for the groundskeeping staff. I wonder if you can see the lyrics to the Star-Spangled Banner in the grass…
4. Josh Reddick’s mouthguard
SR: I believe in safety.
AD: I believe that children are the future.
SR: I think the mouthguard hit the home run while no one was watching. And then Ricky was hard on himself, as he is when he’s less than perfect. But it’s okay Ricky, it was just a mouthguard! There is nothing I hate more than when people obnoxiously play with their mouthguard (tongue ring, etc). Obviously Ricky and I are on the same page. It’s like when Brad Pitt started trading players in front of Philip Seymour Hoffman just to prove a point.
AD: I know that I’m just the “baseball enthusiast” out of the two of us, but I will say that any and all errors can be blamed on Brad Pitt’s Oscar snub and whatever mouthguard curse Josh Reddick was casting. Get it together, sir.
5. Ricky Romero strikes out a season-high seven batters
AD: LUCKY SEVEN – just like the song. And yeah, we ended up tying the game up at the bottom of the fifth (yadda, yadda, yadda, mouth guard curse), but seven K’s have earned us all pizza, and really, that’s all that matters (to me). Two earned runs on five hits, with five walks and 110 pitches. You know what? We’ve seen a lot worse pitching and I am not going to name any names, but I did get cut from grade seven baseball tryouts for a reason.
Also, I won’t bring up other games where four, five, six runs have been given up by different pitchers for our very own team, but we all know they exist and we’ve all moved on and it’s okay, it happens.
SR: I got cut from grade seven baseball because I ‘threw the bat’. If I was in grade seven now, I would say to all of the teachers (haters), “Haven’t you seen Edwin Encarnacion hit a home run and flip-throw his bat? How you like me now?”
In related hunger games, I hate to be the one that tells you in this time of difficulty: there’s no free pizza at away games.
AD: DAMN IT EVERYBODY AND RICKY WHY GOD WHY EMAIL ME ONE COUPON FOR ONE SLICE OF PIZZA, PLEASE, ALL CAPS, THANK YOU. (I’m really hungry for real, and this wheel of Delicioso is not going to cut it.)
SR: Seeing Ricky upset with himself is like when Billy Beane says “I just really wanted to win here” right after the A’s drop the ALDS to the Twins (who at the moment, have the same record as my grade seven baseball team without me). Ricky should just go out into the outfield, lie down, and look at the stars. Just like Billy.
AD: Just like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic before he hears Rose try to kill herself.
SR: There’s never a bad time for a Titanic reference, except for maybe when I yelled “look out for the iceberg!” when my friend was trying to parallel park and then he hit another car.
AD: Never let go.
6. Darren Oliver’s dad
SR: WHERE DID HE GET THAT PURPLE SHIRT? WHY AM I TALKING ABOUT CLOTHES? Help.
AD: Everything about Darren Oliver’s dad is what people write songs about. If anyone owns the scorpion jacket from Drive, it is Darren Oliver’s dad.
SR: Rickey Henderson stole a lot of bases in this coliseum, but Bob Oliver stole everyone’s heart.
AD: Feel free to join us for the free pizza we have requested, Mr. Oliver (our new best friend).
SR: Let me know if I can borrow the shirt.
7. Brett Lawrie’s trip over the A’s bullpen in slow motion
SR: This is why I’m romantic about baseball. Wait, wrong highlight…
AD: It only takes a slow-motion replay for most of us to turn into Homer Simpson: “(Proverbial) Football in the groin! (Proverbial) Football in the groin!”
SR: I feel lethargic watching anything in this stadium, but thanks to Brett Lawrie and Bob Oliver’s shirt (read: swagger), I’m wide awake and giggling like every member of the A’s relief pitching staff who got to see that happen right up close.
AD: And it’s not like we’re cruel: I’m just saying that if slow-motion footage existed of me falling down the stairs in grade nine, in grade ten, in grade 11 and then at that bowling alley when I was 21, I would be gutted if it didn’t bring laughter to other people’s lives.
8. Thames-Fest is still going strong
SR: THIS is why I’m romantic about baseball. Like, as if it would be a Nine Innings of Glory without a Thames highlight because HECK! His first triple of the season!
AD: And if Arencibia was writing this, he would likely award one gold star to Eric Thames because he essentially helped us get the one run we needed to ensure this game did not go into extra innings. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that – it’s just one in the morning, and it’s time for bed.)
Oh wait, Michael Taylor just scored, and now the game is tied. I finally understand how Kanye West feels anytime he tweets anything.
9. Is losing fun?
SR: The Athletics (the team, not Brett Lawrie according to Buck) are only allowed to party in the changeroom when they win, because losing isn’t fun. Brad Pitt doesn’t want to have to smash another stereo with a bat to make a point.
AD: The team will retire to the changerooms where they will find the long-wandering Brad Pitt who will force everyone to watch how many times Jeff Mathis dropped the ball tonight. Luckily, Brad is also a human (just like Jeff – AND Cordero – so relax, everyone), and this will be more of a conversation on-par with when Tom Hanks managed not to yell at Evelyn after he yelled at her before.
But on a serious note, the bottom of the ninth was a complete disaster.
SR: We really needed some angels tonight, which isn’t far-fetched. Do you know why? Here’s the tidbit that will ruin all of your childhood memories of the 1994 Joseph Gordon-Levitt film Angels in the Outfield: It was filmed inside of O.Co Coliseum. That’s right – actual Angel Stadium was damaged in an earthquake.
I’m going to assume that there was an earthquake in the bottom of the ninth inning that led to the walk-off grand slam that Francisco Cordero gave up to Brandon Inge…the guy who was released by Detroit and is being paid to play against them for Oakland. Just like David Justice. Only, I actually liked the actor that played D.J, and I don’t like the actor that is playing Francisco Cordero – ranked second among active players for career saves.
What is happening?
AD: I don’t think anybody can answer that question. Let’s just all remember the worst thing that has ever happened to us, and then remind ourselves that this was only the 30th game of the season, and there are 132 games left.
“It’s still early!” says everyone.
“Yes,” we stared them right in the eyes, with the confidence of Angelina’s right leg. “You’re right. It is.”
Follow them on twitter @tenrowsofpearls and @annetdonahue, or listen to their podcast, Awesome Sh*tty Things. Good day to you.
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