Dearest Buffalo,
Did you hear who we just called up to be one of our National Hockey League goaltenders?
No, not the Portland Pirates’ No. 1 goalie, Mike McKenna, who has four shutouts and a glittery .931 save percentage in the American Hockey League this season and 21 games of NHL experience. Nor McKenna’s backup, Louis Domingue, who has a 6-2 record and an impressive .924 save percentage in North America’s second-best professional league.
Sorry, Sabres. We dug all the way down to the fifth-ranked (if you count injured Pirate Mark Visentin) goaltender on our depth chart and called up Mike Lee to replace the capable pro, Devan Dubnyk (9-5-2), we just shipped to Minnesota for a third-round pick.
The Pirates are in St. John’s, so it would make getting McKenna or Domingue to the desert in time for Thursday’s puck drop nearly impossible.
So we’re going with Mike Lee, who plays for our Gwinnett Gladiators of the ECHL.
Never heard of him? Perhaps his 1-3-1 record, 2.98 GAA and .897 save percentage rings a bell?
If you’re not impressed by a .897 save percentage, then you haven’t noticed that our No. 1 goalie, Mike Smith, has a .885 save percentage this year.
Sure, Smith can and probably will bounce back — but if he waits till next season to catch fire again, that’ll be fine.
Yes, dear Sabres, be very afraid.
We realize you’ve lost eight straight and will eventually supplant Edmonton in the NHL basement, but we’re now on a mission to catch you — or at least come awfully close. If we can’t “save it for McDavid,” then we “won’t do jack for Jack.”
It’s not just goaltending. Our penalty kill, team defence and team offence all rank among the league’s bottom five.
Carolina appears to be actually trying, the Oilers’ interim coach has a job to play for, and us poor ol’ Coyotes would just love to reunite Max Domi with his golden pal Connor.
Think about this, Buffalo: Which trade-bait forward will get more return at the trade deadline, Chris Stewart or Antoine Vermette?
We didn’t want it to end this way. Really, we didn’t. We thought ridding ourselves of Mike Ribeiro was a step in the right direction; we didn’t see it as paying a top-six centre to light it up for the direct competition.
But, much like our captain, Buffalo, we’re realists. And we couldn’t have picked a better draft to kick-start our rebuild.
“There’s no way you’re happy about that,” our franchise face, Shane Doan, told Arizona radio yesterday about our rebuilding plot. “But at the same time, you’ve kind of made your bed when I signed on here and no one anticipated this year being the way it was.
“It’s amazing what can turn around in a season in the NHL, and how quickly things can go in the other direction.”
That’s right, chicken-wing munchers. We’re pushing all-in on tank mode, one trade at a time.
Your new worst enemy,
The Winnipeg Jets
Phoenix Arizona Coyotes
P.S. There is no cause for alarm amongst our supporters as our popular tailgating policy will still be in effect during this brief sabbatical from competitive hockey. Consider it a nod to Frank the Tank. It’s fun for fans to get drunk off more than just hope.