NHL Power Rankings: Fake News Edition

With an NHL-best .741 points percentage and five-plus goals in nine consecutive home games, the Capitals are on target for another Presidents’ Trophy, the only hardware they really care about.

U.S. regional TV viewership has skyrocketed in Minnesota and dipped in Anaheim because Bruce Boudreau has the same effect on Nielsen as Trump’s “Apprentice.” (Randy Carlyle is, of course, Arnold Schwarzenegger in this analogy.)

Marc-Andre Fleury, one start since Jan. 14 and totally cool being an NHL backup.

Alain Vigneault — celebrating career win 600 Tuesday night — did not deserve the raise that makes him the NHL’s third-highest-paid head coach.

Joe Thornton’s beard registered a secondary assist on 24 per cent of Patrick Marleau’s 500 goals.

Ever since John Tortorella took over, the cannon fires actual cannon balls.

Blackhawks GM Stan Bowman will sit tight at the trade deadline and avoid temptation to rent a winger that could help win him four rings in eight years.

Milan Lucic is fast enough, at age 28, to keep up with Connor McDavid for the next six and a half seasons.

Coyotes trade bait Martin Hanzal would be a significant upgrade at centre from Tomas Plekanec.

Because the majority of teams are happy with their blue line as is, no one is calling Ducks GM Bob Murray about his plethora of talented, young defencemen.

If Mike Ribeiro plays well in Milwaukee (0 points, minus-2 in Game 1), he should be back up with the Predators any minute now.

“We like our defence. There’s no question about that.” (That’s an actual, hand-to-God, real-news quote from GM Lou Lamoriello on Saturday, before the Leafs gave up 11 goals in two games.)

Every Wednesday, Pierre Dorion sends Penguins GM Jim Rutherford 12 long-stem roses as a thank you for Mike Condon.

The Islanders were one Doug Weight promotion away from being a contender.

The Panthers were doing just fine without Jonathan Huberdeau and Aleksander Barkov in the lineup. A three-game win streak coinciding with their return is simply a fluke.

Ken Hitchcock was the problem.

Taylor Hall has come to terms with the trade.

Healthy-scratching Shayne Gostisbehere is the key to boosting the Flyers’ struggling offence.

The only thing standing between Jeff Carter (NHL-leading nine game-winning goals) and the Hart Trophy is eastern bias.

Brad Treliving knew Mikael Backlund would be his best centre in September.

The hockey world isn’t the least surprised to see not one but two Buffalo goalies — Robin Lehner (.923) and Anders Nilsson, (.922) — ranking among the top eight in NHL save percentage.

Cam Neely and Don Sweeney had no idea the Patriots’ Super Bowl parade was scheduled for the same time as their press conference to discuss the firing of coach Claude Julien.

Comforted by Commissioner Bettman’s assurances that the Hurricanes aren’t on the move, hockey fans in Quebec City have stopped monitoring Carolina’s ownership situation.

Steve Yzerman sleeps like a baby every night, content his current roster will turn things around any day now.

Did you know? The goal posts and crossbars at Little Caesars Arena will be made with day-old Crazy Bread and spray-painted red.

With more cap space than any other Western Conference team, free agents are bound to flock to Manitoba this summer.

The Stars are one defenceman away.

Jim Benning won’t encourage Alex Burrows and Ryan Miller to waive their no-trade clauses.

John Chayka’s asking price on Martin Hanzal, Michael Stone and Shane Doan are all set in stone and won’t drop on March 1.

Next to Disneyland, the Avalanche dressing room was voted “Second Happiest Place on Earth.”