Like any good hockey fan, I was reading Elliotte Friedman’s 31 Thoughts the other week (right until No. 31!) and noticed a podcast recommendation.
“If you’re looking for something different, check out a podcast called The Apology Line, Friedman wrote. So I gave it a whirl. Let me first say, this is not a podcast for everybody. It does have an explicit warning and deals with creepy things, a bit of true crime, and if that stuff freaks you out stay away.
Anyway, I got hooked right away and just finished the six-part series. It got me thinking of a theme for this week’s power rankings: coming up with an apology to, or around, each of the 31 teams.
As usual, the ranking of the teams below is all about their on-ice performance, with a bit of a lean toward how they’ve performed most recently — this is not a ranking of apologies.
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1. Tampa Bay Lightning
Sorry that you’re so good (even without Nikita Kucherov) that you could again be in a situation where not enough meaningful games are played down the stretch to get you playoff ready — which was one pondered reason why the Columbus Blue Jackets swept them so easily two years ago. Tampa’s plus-22 goal differential is the best in the NHL. The separation hasn’t happened yet, but how many Central teams will be able to keep pace for 56 games?
2. Boston Bruins
Sorry not to the Bruins, but to all the haters who are one day going to have to come to terms with the fact Brad Marchand — who has 18 points in 14 games in another great start this season — is a Hall of Famer. That speech though…
3. Vegas Golden Knights
Sorry not everyone is appreciative of your marvellous golden helmets. Maybe they’re just ahead of their time.
wait wait wait wait waittttt goal #VegasBorn | @Raising_Canes pic.twitter.com/oUPqOTIJEO
— Vegas Golden Knights (@GoldenKnights) February 17, 2021
4. Colorado Avalanche
Remember waiting for the Matt Duchene trade? Sorry for ever thinking that took too long or for worrying it wouldn’t work out in the end.
5. Toronto Maple Leafs
Sorry that every blown lead is the fault of William Nylander or Frederik Andersen, and the start of an 18-wheeler going off a cliff.
6. Florida Panthers
Sorry if you think it’s too early and just a mirage, but I don’t care: I’m buying into the Florida Panthers as this year’s surprise, out-of-left-field team. They are now 10-2-2 and where there was reason to be reticent before because they hadn’t played any of their division’s biggest hitters, the Panthers took two of three from the Lightning and beat the Carolina Hurricanes on Wednesday. Now if Sergei Bobrovsky could play as well as Chris Driedger, I’d feel a heck of a lot better about it.
7. Carolina Hurricanes
Sorry you’re such Jerks (but not really).
8. Philadelphia Flyers
Sorry that you’ve started the season with a 14.94 shooting percentage at 5-on-5, which is over two percentage points higher than the No. 2 team. You’ve got the fourth-best offence to show for it so far, but that sucker is coming down.
9. Montreal Canadiens
Sorry fans can’t be in the stands to support this year’s turnaround and, perhaps, sudden jump to contender status. Out of all the Canadian stops that bring energy to the rivalries and great games we’re seeing this season, Montreal pumps the most emotion.
10. Dallas Stars
Sorry for ever ranking your reverse retros anything but first overall.
Back in black. Here we go. #GoStars pic.twitter.com/2KJ4i8UGuG
— Dallas Stars (@DallasStars) February 14, 2021
11. St. Louis Blues
Sorry your reverse retro jerseys aren’t these sweet things:
12. Washington Capitals
Sorry, but no matter how many games haven’t been played in Alex Ovechkin’s career due to lockout or pandemic, I still think he breaks Wayne Gretzky’s goal-scoring record, dagnabbit. Yes, even now that he’s 35 and still 183 goals away. Five goals in 10 games this season — pace is still good!
13. New York Islanders
Sorry for seeing a five-game losing streak and deciding to move you down our NHL Tiers list on YouTube two weeks ago. Haven’t lost a single game in regulation since. Never doubt Barry Trotz.
14. Edmonton Oilers
While defence seems optional in the North Division at times, and your top scorers can pile up points as if they’re from a different era, sorry it’s not actually the 1980s again.
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15. Winnipeg Jets
Sorry to Paul Maurice for anyone calling out captain Blake Wheeler’s play so far this season, but that 42.86 shots for percentage and team-worst minus-10 (on a team that’s plus-10 overall) is no small thing.
16. Pittsburgh Penguins
Sorry that Marc-Andre Fleury’s fabulous season is happening in Vegas, not in Pittsburgh with the team that drafted him. Sure could use it!
17. Arizona Coyotes
Sorry that your Game 7, series-clinching win against the St. Louis Blues has absolutely nothing to do with the playoffs.
18. Calgary Flames
Sorry that, no matter how well Johnny Gaudreau is playing this regular season, none of it matters until the playoff numbers come.
19. Chicago Blackhawks
A few nice stories here as the Hawks exceed expectations, but that wasn’t the plan. Sorry that, barring draft lottery luck, it’s not looking like you’ll get a high draft pick to add to the rebuild.
20. New Jersey Devils
We’re very glad to see Mackenzie Blackwood back and healthy after battling COVID-19 and sorry the brilliance he has shown this season has been limited to just four games. His 3-0-1 record, 1.92 GAA and .948 save percentage lead us to believe he could almost single-handedly keep the Devils in the playoff hunt.
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21. Minnesota Wild
Sorry to everyone still not interested in watching the Minnesota Wild because of their historic reputation, even as Kirill Kaprizov is making a strong, early case for the Calder with nine points in 12 games (.75 points per game). You’re missing out.
22. Vancouver Canucks
While no one would take back the great bubble playoffs the Canucks had, sorry expectations got a little out of control in 2021 and that the players you lost in the summer are haunting you nightly.
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23. Columbus Blue Jackets
Sorry such a big deal is made when John Tortorella benches Patrik Laine, and not when Laine leads the team’s forwards in ice time in two of the three games since.
24. Los Angeles Kings
Sorry to Drew Doughty for all the projected Team Canada Olympic rosters he’s not on (but you wouldn’t be on mine either).
25. San Jose Sharks
Sorry that Martin Jones, who has an .873 save percentage that led Bob Boughner to call his play “not up to our standard,” is under contract through 2024 with a $5.75 million cap hit.
26. New York Rangers
Sorry that the rebuild is still ongoing, with Chris Kreider calling their latest loss (fourth in a row, 5-2 to New Jersey) “unacceptable.” Ask the Buffalo Sabres how hard it can be to exit these things.
27. Anaheim Ducks
Sorry that you are the one and only team averaging less than two goals per game (1.94). Still better than the 2013-14 and 2014-15 Sabres!
28. Nashville Predators
Sorry for the impending rebuild, or retool, whatever you want to call it.
29. Buffalo Sabres
Sorry that almost nothing is going right for you in this rebuild, and that Taylor Hall is quickly becoming a trade candidate instead of a playoff contributor.
30. Ottawa Senators
Sorry that any victory will be a moral one this season, seeking any incremental improvement, and that you’re out of the playoffs just 25 per cent of the way in.
31. Detroit Red Wings
Sorry you haven’t won a playoff game in almost five years, and for your sour draft lottery luck last summer. Maybe that’s the price for a 25-year playoff streak and four Stanley Cups.
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