Thanksgiving in the United States really marks the start of a six-week holiday season in North America. Christmas is right around the corner, making the next few weeks filled with food, drink, family and, in all likelihood, some blunt commentary from those closest to you.
On Monday, we touched on the need for a quiet-part-loud conversation in Pittsburgh, as the team continues to crater. That got us thinking: What if, for this week’s power rankings, we assumed the persona of a loose-lipped family member at the dinner table and just blurted something out for all 32 teams?
Of course, the nature of that unfiltered commentary tends to be unflattering. Crazy as it can be, though, critiques have been known to contain a kernel of truth. So, without further delay, let’s check in with the straight-talkin’ sister or, as the family calls him, “Uncle Uh Oh” to see what they have to say about your team.
32 Thoughts: The Podcast
Hockey fans already know the name, but this is not the blog. From Sportsnet, 32 Thoughts: The Podcast with NHL insider Elliotte Friedman and host Kyle Bukauskas is a weekly deep dive into the biggest news and interviews from the hockey world.
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1. Winnipeg Jets (18-5-0) We’re not here to rain on your parade, we’re just making sure you know 19 teams — including such heavyweights like the Blue Jackets, Penguins, Utah Hockey Club and Ottawa Senators — have a better expected goals percentage than you.
2. Carolina Hurricanes (16-5-1) Who are you kidding with this goalie situation? Just be done with it, stick that ridiculous helmet on Arturs Irbe and bring him out of retirement!
3. Minnesota Wild (14-4-4) You’re right, of course, you’re right. There’s a zero per cent chance Kirill Kaprizov leaves in 2026.
4. Washington Capitals (15-6-1) Hey, this fast start is fun and all, but wake me up when you win a playoff round for the first time in seven years.
5. New Jersey Devils (15-8-2) You’ve been in 17 playoff games since 2012. Guys, the Kraken have played 14 and they haven’t been in the league as long as Jack Hughes.
6. Toronto Maple Leafs (13-7-2) People say you’ve got the most clout in the league... lobby the NHL for an NBA-style in-season tournament and maybe you can win that!
7. Vegas Golden Knights (14-6-3) Sure, just go out and trade for everyone else’s good players. THAT’S YOUR SOLUTION TO EVERYTHING!
8. Dallas Stars (13-8-0) Who’s job was it to tell Jason Robertson that the season started two months ago?
9. Vancouver Canucks (11-7-3) Your fans love bad-mouthing the Leafs, but your Cup drought is only three years shorter than theirs.
10. Calgary Flames (12-7-4) I thought you wanted to draft in the top 3! You never follow through with any plans!
11. Florida Panthers (13-9-1) Establishing a winning identify is all about accountability…and not requiring accountants because you play where there’s no state income tax.
12. Los Angeles Kings (12-8-3) Has any club lost in the first round to the same team in four straight years?
13. New York Rangers (12-8-1) Yeah-no-yeah, totally normal for cohesive, Cup contenders to be talking about trading either their captain (Jacob Trouba) or longest-serving member (Chris Kreider) who scored 39 goals last year.
14. Colorado Avalanche (13-10-0) 1996 PATRICK ROY IS NOT WALKING THROUGH THAT DOOR!
15. Edmonton Oilers (11-9-2) How far do you think you can go if Mattias Janmark is your third-highest scoring forward?
16. Tampa Bay Lightning (11-8-2) How’s the view from the backside of the mountain?
17. Buffalo Sabres (11-10-1) Literally half the league makes the playoffs. WHAT IS SO HARD ABOUT THIS?!
18. Boston Bruins (11-10-3) All we’re asking is, what’s the backup plan if not having a No. 1 centre is a fatal flaw?
19. Detroit Red Wings (10-10-2) At least you have the Lions.
20. Seattle Kraken (11-11-1) So… are we sure about this idea Matty Beniers and Shane Wright will be a one-two punch down the middle for a decade? Because they have six goals between them.
21. Philadelphia Flyers (10-10-3) Keep finishing close to .500 and all your rebuild will need is two more generational talents like Matvei Michkov to fall six or seven slots in the draft.
22. Anaheim Ducks (9-9-3) Wherever you go, just make sure Lukas Dostal and John Gibson are in bubble wrap because you’re in a world of trouble without the goalies.
23. Columbus Blue Jackets (9-9-3) Let’s just do a quick check-in with the past four super-high draft picks: Kent Johnson (fifth overall, 2021) has been in trade rumours before, David Jiricek (sixth overall, 2022) is in trade rumours now, Adam Fantilli (third overall, 2023) has three goals this year and Cayden Lindstrom (fourth overall, 2024) hasn’t played regular season major junior hockey in about a year.
24. St. Louis Blues (11-12-1) Three head coaches inside 12 months? Totally normal.
25. Ottawa Senators (10-11-1) But what if a new goalie isn’t the answer to everything?
26. Utah Hockey Club (9-10-3) I’m just telling you right now, Hockey Club is better than Yeti.
27. New York Islanders (8-10-5) All I’m saying is, if someone ever finishes 26-26-24, it’s going to be you.
28. Montreal Canadiens (8-11-3) At this rate, if every year you didn’t win a title you had to lower a championship banner, all 24 might make it to the floor.
29. Pittsburgh Penguins (8-12-4) I can tell now isn’t the time to talk.
30. Nashville Predators (7-12-4) Bad news; you’ve already spent your inheritance.
31. Chicago Blackhawks (8-12-2) No worries, Gavin McKenna is a 2026 generational prospect from the WHL who CAN’T MISS!
32. San Jose Sharks (7-13-5) It’s not that we like your sports cousins more than you, it’s just that the Warriors, 49ers and Giants have all won at least three titles in their lives.
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