Theresa Bailey on the 'revolutionary' nature of hockey moms' stories

Terri Konecny worried about how she could afford to feed her family while also supporting her son Travis’s hockey dreams. Manon Rhéaume encountered rampant sexism during a goaltending career that saw her play at the national team and NHL levels, and then later in life she discovered that being the mom of a goalie is, as she calls it, “the worst thing.” Bonnie O’Reilly not only raised four biological children, including a Stanley Cup champion in Ryan, but also fostered more than 40 other kids and donated an organ to her local arena’s former manager.

These are just some of the stories featured in Hockey Moms: The Heart of the Game, co-authored by hockey mom Theresa Bailey and veteran sports journalist Terry Marcotte, and published by HaperCollins last month. The pair interviewed more than 30 hockey moms to paint a varied picture of the experience that comes with raising a young player, whether he or she makes it to the biggest stage or not. 

Sportsnet caught up with Bailey, mother of three and founder and CEO of Starfish Synergies, to talk about why she felt the book was a necessary part of the hockey discourse, some of the most compelling stories she heard, and advice she’d pass along to parents with kids in competitive hockey.

SPORTSNET: Congratulations on the book. Why did you decide this was something you wanted to write?

BAILEY: Well, it started back in 2010, when my own children were getting into competitive hockey and I experienced some of those things that you experience as parents, especially as women, who are sort of encouraged to stay quiet. I started my Canadian hockey moms website back then — anonymously, because I didn’t feel like it would necessarily be respected that I was having those conversations. The idea came back then but I knew that I wasn’t ready to write it then.… I had reached out to Terry [Marcotte] to connect me to some moms. Terry offered to help and once he got involved, things really picked up.

How did you feel you were encouraged to stay quiet as a hockey mom?

I think we’re encouraged to listen to the authority and fit into the structure as it exists. I’ll put it this way: It seems revolutionary that a book about hockey moms is allowing moms to have their stories told. It seems like a revolutionary concept, but people didn’t just develop opinions when we interviewed them for the book, they’ve had them all along. There isn’t really space in the hockey world to share those or to have them valued, and I think that was something that I felt early on but couldn’t necessarily articulate.

You write: “I consider this book my love letter to hockey moms.” Are hockey moms underappreciated, in your opinion?

For sure there is not necessarily the respect given to the work that they do. There’s a chapter about female coaches, and it’s really hard for a woman to step into a role where she is a respected authority figure of a team, that typically has been — and it’s changing — but that has been “for men.” And to be able to share those experiences of what it’s like for some of those women in those roles I think is really important, because there isn’t that space.

There are a lot of challenges detailed in this book — Brenda Little watches her son Bryan’s NHL career end suddenly. Terri Konecny works through financial struggles. Did the mothers of pro players have more challenges than you expected?

That’s one of the important aspects that motivated me to write this, was knowing that the stories are varied for players who get there. And there’s this perception around middle class or rich white boys who sort of have things handed to them, and that’s really not the case for a lot of the families, certainly that we interviewed. There’s a story in there about Nathan Perrott’s family, his mom had literally nothing. Terri Konecny was so touching — she was the first interview I did and talking about how she didn’t know how she was going to be able to feed her family and how it bothered her that people assumed that they were wealthy. So, sacrifice is an important part of it for a lot of families to help kids follow their passion, and a lot of professional players had moms and families who sacrificed a lot.

What happy stories really stuck with you in interviewing all these hockey moms?

A lot of the moms talked about the friendships they formed, and so when I talk about my love story to moms, they’re some of my best friends and my best hockey memories involve being with women, all working together to try to get something done. I still have a lot of those friendships. That’s a common theme for people. And the love of the kid and the joy we feel watching our players play. That was consistent through the whole book. The Motorcycle Marj chapter where her whole family is playing in front of her — that was an amazing story and we’re so proud to be able to share that with people about this group of women who was playing a long time ago, and such strength they had. The last chapter around the players with special needs, that’s an incredible story of how you don’t have to be at the top level to have hockey have such an impact on your life. And Bonnie O’Reilly — she donated her kidney to the rink manager after raising, like, 40 foster kids! That’s an incredible person, you know? [Laughs.]

What’s the most important advice you’d pass along to a parent navigating competitive hockey with a young kid?

Kelly McDavid has the quote that starts off the whole book, where she says something about enjoying the ride because it goes fast — that’s really important. You do have to be in the moment and understand that even the challenges are fleeting. And at the end of it, you’re hoping, whether your kid makes it or not, that they’re going to have a lot of memories and skills that are going to help them later in life. The skills you gain are so important.

What has the reaction to the book been like so far?

The feedback through text and emails and people calling me is people are very emotional about it. They are happy to have someone telling those stories that they can relate to, and they have just been so supportive because nothing like this has been done before.

I get asked by men: ‘Where are the stories about hockey dads?’... I want everyone to have lots of love and support for whoever is in their family, whether it’s a single mom, a single dad, two moms, two dads, I want all of that, but in terms of the hockey dad stories, I think those stories have been told — and I don’t think these stories have been.