Sports media mogul Bill Simmons is fond of pointing out there’s a distinction between what he dubs “athlete funny” and actually funny.
While exceptions surely exist, that comment rings true.
As for things that are utterly humourless — at least for a section of us — let’s introduce the topic of age. As it happens, we must again make a clear distinction between the tiny group of people so physically blessed they’re making a living in pro sports — what they lack in jokes they make up for in jacked — and whatever you want to call the rest of us.
There’s old, then there’s old for an athlete.
Anyone who’s seen pictures of men from the 1970s can tell you, from the good news file, turning 40 in the 2020s doesn’t look as grim as it used to. By contrast, though, hitting the big 4-0 is starting to mean something very different for NHL hockey players than it did a very short time ago.
For the second time in three years, the opening week in the NHL won’t feature a 40-year-old skater. And for the first time in nearly 25 years, we don’t have a 40-year-old skater or goalie in action, full stop.
Two years ago, in 2022-23, 41-year-old goalie Craig Anderson was the only 40-plus player suiting up on opening night. Last year, Mark Giordano was the only 40-year-old pulling on a sweater and he’d only hit the milestone birthday about a week before the season began.
Before 2022-23, you’ve got to go all the way back to 2000-01 to find an opening week with no 40-year-old skaters or goalies. That’s when 39-year-olds Igor Larionov and Ray Bourque were a couple months shy of their 40th birthdays at the start of the season.
In 2002, Chris Chelios finished second in Norris Trophy voting at age 40. Eight years later, the guy he lost to — Red Wings teammate Nicklas Lidstrom — straight won the award at 40 years old. The next year, Mark Recchi, at age 43, scored 14 points in 25 gruelling playoff games for the Cup-winning Boston Bruins. At the same age, Jaromir Jagr scored 27 goals and 66 points for the Florida Panthers in 2015-16. Zdeno Chara played 18:44 a night for the New York Islanders in 2021-22 at 44 years young.
And, in 1968-69, some guy called Gordie Howe scored 44 freakin’ goals at age 40, a mere 11 seasons before he finally hung ‘em up after a 15-goal showing at age 51.
OK, time to stop doing what every old guy is good at — playing “remember when?” — and bring it back to the present.
The oldest guy putting his body on the line this week is Marc-Andre Fleury, who turns 40 about seven weeks into his farewell season on Nov. 28. Ryan Suter, the oldest skater in the league, hits 40 near the end of January.
So, as a fedora tip to Fleury, Suter and all the other active greybeards, for this edition of the Power Rankings, we’re going to highlight the most, uh, life-savvy member of each NHL squad.
1. Edmonton Oilers (0-1-0) Last year, Corey Perry proved you’re never too old to get better. After having his contract terminated by the Chicago Blackhawks, Perry acknowledged he’d behaved inappropriately and indicated he would seek help for his struggles with alcohol. After a hiatus, he signed with the Edmonton Oilers and re-upped with the Oil in the off-season. If all goes to plan, Perry and the Oilers will be playing hockey on May 16, 2025, when the 2011 Hart Trophy winner turns 40.
2. Dallas Stars (0-0-0) Let’s be real, we’d have a 40-year-old playing on opening night if Joe Pavelski wanted to keep going. It’s not like that guy couldn’t have tipped home 18 more pucks this year after scoring 27 as a 39-year-old last season. But Pavelski is retired and 35-year-old Jamie Benn is still going in Year Sweet 16 with the Stars. Two other Stars — Evgenii Dadonov and Brendan Smith — are also 35.
3. New Jersey Devils (2-0-0) Is it a bad thing when your goalies are your two oldest guys? Not when they represent a huge upgrade on what you had for most of last year. Maybe Jacob Markstrom (turns 35 in January) and Jake Allen (turned 34 in August) can be the modern-day version of Johnny Bower and Terry Sawchuk, who led the Leafs to the 1967 Cup when Bower was 42 and Sawchuk just a pup at 37.
4. Florida Panthers (1-0-0) What we’ve learned in the past couple years is, if Sergei Bobrovsky — who just turned 36 — gets his rest, he can still be one of the best.
5. New York Rangers (1-0-0) Most objective observers thought Jonathan Quick was washed at the end of 2022-23 when the Kings moved him at the deadline. But the 38-year-old is still going strong, posting a .911 save percentage last year for the Rangers that represents his best SP since 2017-18.
6. Toronto Maple Leafs (0-1-0) Max Pacioretty, who turns 36 in November, is getting a chance to show he’s still got it in Toronto this year. Ryan Reaves, who turns 38 in January, is still playing the role of NHL enforcer.
7. Vegas Golden Knights (1-0-0) It’s hard to believe this is already Alex Pietrangelo’s fifth year in Vegas. The classy vet is still a vital presence on the blueline at age 34.
8. Colorado Avalanche (0-1-0) Josh Manson turned 33 a couple days ago. Calvin de Haan is also 33, making the two D-men the old men in Denver.
9. Carolina Hurricanes (0-0-0) Brent Burns turns 40 in March and is in the final year of his contract. What the heck, why not go back up to forward for a couple seasons before calling it a career? The big guy could surely do it.
10. Vancouver Canucks (0-0-1) Tyler Myers re-upped in the off-season to play three more years in Vancouver. The big defenceman turns 35 in February.
11. Tampa Bay Lightning (0-0-0) Two of Tampa’s most important players are also two of its senior citizens. Defenceman Ryan McDonagh turned 35 in June, while new captain Victor Hedman turns 34 just before Christmas. Two other Bolts — newcomer Cam Atkinson and Luke Glendening — are 35.
12. Boston Bruins (0-1-0) When your most frequent comp is Dennis the Menace, it lends you a certain ageless dynamic. Believe it or not, though, Brad Marchand is 36 years old and in the final year of an eight-year contract.
13. Winnipeg Jets (1-0-0) The Jets have a lot of guys on the wrong side of 30, but nobody who’s too far up there yet. Colin Miller is the oldest and he turns 33 just before October ends.
14. Nashville Predators (0-0-0) Gus Nyquist, who just had a career year with 75 points, turned 35 in September. Captain Roman Josi, meanwhile, is now 34 years old.
15. Washington Capitals (0-0-0) We’ll surely have a 40-year-old playing at this time next year during the opening week of action. Alex Ovechkin just turned 39 in September and, whether or not he catches Wayne Gretzky’s all-time goals record this season, Ovi will be back for more in 12 months on the final year of his contract.
16. Ottawa Senators (0-0-0) Claude Giroux, 37, is already in the final year of the three-year deal he inked to return to his old backyard. Can the Sens finally have the success he envisioned when he returned to Ottawa?
17. Detroit Red Wings (0-0-0) Local boy Jeff Petry turns 38 in December and new goalie Cam Talbot is also 37 right now. Patrick Kane hits 37 in November and it will be fascinating to see how he fares in his first fully healthy season in a couple years.
18. New York Islanders (0-0-0) Semyon Varlamov is a remarkably consistent goalie. Here are the 36-year-old’s save percentages with each of the three teams he’s played for in the NHL: .915 in 389 games with Colorado, .917 in 163 contests with the Isles and .917 in 59 outings as a Washington Capital.
19. Los Angeles Kings (0-0-0) 37-year-old Trevor Lewis is about nine months older than fellow 1987 baby Anze Kopitar. The injured Drew Doughty will hopefully be back in action ahead of his Dec. 8 birthday, when he turns 35.
20. St. Louis Blues (1-0-0) 39-year-old Ryan Suter inked a one-year deal to skate with the Blues. Will this season be it for the NHL’s active games played leader (1,445)?
21. Utah Hockey Club (1-0-0) New D-men Ian Cole and Robert Bortuzzo, at 35 years old, are the elder statesmen in Salt Lake City.
22. Minnesota Wild (0-0-0) Bet the tissue boxes will be out in Steeltown when Marc-Andre Fleury makes his last swing through Pittsburgh as an NHL goalie in a few weeks on Oct. 29.
23. Buffalo Sabres (0-2-0) The only over-30 Sabre is newcomer Jason Zucker and he’s still just 32.
24. Seattle Kraken (0-1-0) New captain Jordan Eberle is the senior Kraken at 34 years old. It seems like 10 seconds ago he was scoring massive goals for Team Canada at the World Junior Championship.
25. Philadelphia Flyers (0-0-0) Erik Johnson, the 36-year-old defenceman who was selected first overall in 2006, is a good jumping-off point to the following note: Every No. 1 pick, save one, since 2003 — from Fleury to Macklin Celebrini — is active in the NHL. The lone exception? 2012 top selection Nail Yakupov.
26. Montreal Canadiens (1-0-0) Rugged and right-shooting D-man David Savard, who turns 35 in a couple weeks, is Montreal’s oldest player. Will the UFA-to-be still be on the team past the trade deadline?
27. Anaheim Ducks (0-0-0) Until very recently, the oldest guy on the Ducks was 35-year-old Alex Killorn. That changed when Anaheim snagged 36-year-old goalie James Reimer off waivers.
28. Chicago Blackhawks (0-1-0) The Hawks brought in a bunch of vets this summer to try and steady the ship and the oldest among them is 35-year-old Alec Martinez. New captain Nick Foligno turns 37 on Halloween.
29. Calgary Flames (1-0-0) Captain Mikael Backlund is 35 years old and sure looks like he’ll be a Flame for life. He’s slated to play his 1,000th career game — all with Calgary — on Oct. 30 in Utah.
30. Pittsburgh Penguins (0-1-0) Evgeni Malkin is the oldest of the Big 3 at 38. Sidney Crosby and Kris Letang are right behind at 37. Everybody is under contract through their age-39 season and Letang is signed on through his age-40 campaign.
31. Columbus Blue Jackets (0-0-0) Jack Johnson, now in his second tour with Columbus, is 37 years old.
32. San Jose Sharks (0-0-0) It’s probably appropriate that San Jose’s old guys — and Sharks legends — Marc-Edouard Vlasic (37) and Logan Couture (35) are both on injured reserve. The oldest guy who’ll be skating for San Jose in its opener on Thursday night is 34-year-old defenceman Jan Rutta.